Getting Help for a Hesitant or Resistant Loved One
A six step approach for families with a parent who insists they need no help, without breaking trust or dignity.
By Ned Small · Family
How does a concerned family member approach a loved one who might need assistance but has not had that realization yet? It may be difficult to convince a parent or loved one who might be resistant to get help. They may feel that they are still quite capable of taking care of themselves and their home. Many might associate receiving assistance as to imply weakness, lack of control or unreliability. A direct attack on one's pride! If handled incorrectly, these suggestions can sound exactly like that. If handled smoothly, your loved one gets the assistance they need and you get your peace of mind. Here are a few suggestions for getting your loved one the assistance they need, while getting results all parties can be happy with.
Gently express your concerns. Share your concerns about their well-being and safety, and explain why you think they could benefit from some assistance at home. Start by focusing on the positives of having assistance. Explain that it can actually help them to remain independent longer (not vice-versa), alleviate unwanted stress and how it might improve overall quality of life. Try to gain support from the rest of the family, close friends or anyone else involved so you appear as a united front and not just one outside opinion. This can help eliminate any second guessing as no one is acting as an enabler.
Offer specific examples. Provide specific examples of tasks that have become difficult for them, or situations where they have struggled. This can help them understand the need for assistance more clearly. Emphasize the importance of safety and security. Explain that assistance can make it easier to ensure they are safe and healthy in their home. Be honest but explain with empathy. Refrain from pointing out too many negatives and instead focus on the positives assistance will bring them.
Discuss the financial aspect of getting assistance and how it can help them manage their budget and finances: Explain how being proactive now could save them a lot of money and headaches in the future for both parties. Receiving the right amount of assistance at the right time can prolong the time period preceding when they may need more comprehensive care. With Long Term Care already being incredibly costly and prices only expected to rise, explain this as a buffer or an act of preventative maintenance that will help them save down the road.
Suggest a trial period. Suggest a trial period during which they can try out some assistance at home and see how it goes. This can help them feel more in control of the situation. Finding a good personality match in an assistant is crucial! It can weigh heavily on your loved one's decision to proceed. It is important to find someone who can give them the tools they need while being respectful and supportive without being overbearing or infantilizing.
Get outside help. Consider speaking with a healthcare professional or social worker, who can provide objective information about the benefits of assistance at home and help your loved one understand their options. What level of help do they need? Do they need a caretaker? Geriatric Care Manager? Maybe a personal assistant would be more appropriate? There are many different levels of assistance and one issue I see is the wrong amount or wrong type of care. Too little and you are back to square one and the one receiving the assistance sees it as a failed experiment. Too much, or simply the wrong type of assistance, will also have similar consequences.
Respect their decision. Ultimately, it is up to your loved one to decide whether or not to accept assistance at home. Respect their decision, even if you disagree with it. If they decide not to accept assistance, try to find other ways to support them, such as reaching out to their community/friends for ideas or simply offering emotional support.
These conversations can often be difficult and frustrating, but addressing the situation head-on, in a timely manner, with care and respect, will be your best shot at getting the results all parties will feel good about. Understand that it is hard to accept one's own decline and think about how you would feel, putting yourself in their shoes, approaching these issues as you age. You don't have to go it alone, there are many resources out there to help you navigate these very specific situations and conversations. Please feel free to message me if you are currently struggling with something similar, I'd love to help in any capacity I am able.